It’s bloody past four in the morning

It’s bloody past four in the morning. I have not slept a wink & nor will my mind allow it. Past four, & I am here cooking with purple Peruvian potatoes – tell me, who in the world does that? They’re still roasting lovely on the stove. In my defense, I’m taking a breather from ongoing strings of black sentences & white spaces. Well, sort of considering that my fingers are tapping out these black & white notes.

I leave my candle lit cavern of a desk to briefly continue the cooking going on in the kitchen, & stand in front of the stove accompanied by all the sizzling. All the sizzling & just my thoughts alone. All night I haven’t uttered a word (all day, actually, now that I think of it), nor have I turned on any composed music when I normally do. Honestly, the still music of silence along with rhythmic keys tapping were music enough. Once in awhile, I would hear the candle flames crackle & the air conditioner whir. All of that coincided with the not so quiet whispers of my thoughts – perhaps I couldn’t take any more noise.

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3 thoughts on “It’s bloody past four in the morning

  1. A…Insomnia…What is your mind telling you that you are fighting against…? Is it some secret music of yours you unconsciously don´t allow?..

    “All of that coincided with the not so quiet whispers of my thoughts – perhaps I couldn’t take any more noise” .. .What are you resisting…?

    When you say “considering that my fingers are tapping out these black & white notes” I personally hear Music in your lines…an awaiting piano to be heard…Have you ever tryed playing or composing…?

    This is beautiful:

    “Honestly, the still music of silence along with rhythmic keys tapping were music enough”

    So…Music again…What is this secret music want to tell you…?

    • Honestly, I can’t quite pinpoint what exactly I’m fighting against. Besides daily life worries that occupy my mind & I soon shoo away, I’m not entirely aware of anything that I’m resisting. If I am resisting something, perhaps it’s time. As much as I love sleep, I find myself resenting having to do so because life is still going on & I don’t want to miss any of it. If anything, I give in & subdue myself to the night rather than resist it. I do this by becoming utterly humble & silent, listening to what wisdom it has to share – its music, if you will. The silent & not-so-silent music that nightfall plays, which I alluded to… I adore the night, it’s a whole different world. It’s a different place in which the world itself comes alive, rather than people. Alongside that, my deepest thoughts & feelings are born as well. Having heard your question, I’m going to think further into this because maybe I really am subconsciously fighting something more substantial.

      Your comment about how you hear music in my lines has got to be the biggest compliment I have ever received, especially since it’s coming from a seasoned pianist & composer. Speaking of which, I would love to listen to anything you’ve written if you don’t mind sharing. Even though I wasn’t listening to any music at the time of writing, I felt musical & alluded to music. I’m glad I you caught on & that I was able to portray this. I’m not skilled enough in theory to really be able to compose anything, but I certainly do have an ear for good composition. I played the piano as a child into my teen years, but my piano-playing progressively waned as it became more of a chore & demand from my teacher & mother. My teacher had taken special interest in me because she noticed that I played with emotion, rather than just mechanics like the rest of her students. Most of the time, I find myself apathetic to strictly adhering to technicalities & so when I’m demanded to do so, I will go from indifferent to apprehensive. I should have continued with it, because I often long to play…

      You know, I enjoy reading your comments & what you have to say because what you contribute is thought-provoking & worthwhile, so I thank you. I’ve been meaning to comment on your posts & writings, will do soon but I just need life to allow me some real free time.

  2. ” Life is still going on & I don’t want to miss any of it” – you see, we hold this constant belief that life is always “out there”…living like this we end up chasing both ourselves and life.

    Why don´t you just follow your inner rythm, staying reassured that you never miss anything when you are connected with your Self. Give yourself first what you feel you need, and in that inner ease, life will come to you instead. This is truth not mere words.

    Don´t bother with theory – I hear between the lines that you have real musical talent. Again, I am not trying to please you. My intuition never fails me. Unfortunately there are very few real music tutors who are able to see and encourage talent, not suffocating the student with prosaic technicalities. Trust my words, and if you long to play, just play…get yourself a piano if you have a chance.

    That for now,

    Stay well and connected 😉

    J

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